| for tomorrow we shall die |
[Apr. 17th, 2007|11:12 pm] |
i decided to write a nice and simple happy entry.
there's this boy and i love him.
there are these friends that i have, and i love them too.
being unhappy is not worth the stuggle.
im grateful for what i have.
<333 |
|
|
| masochistic |
[Apr. 12th, 2007|10:30 pm] |
Today I opened up an italian ice. It wasn't filled to the top. Not quite half empty, but no where near full. It kind of sucked. Just like my life. Just like Lauren's face.
Oh and I'll kill you if you think the above post was meant to be taken seriously. Minus the Lauren part. That's accurate. & I really did have that italian ice today.
end. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 11th, 2007|10:52 pm] |
i feel like im trying so hard to make things normal. but im just trying to fill a spot that i cant fill anymore. a spot that i was probably never right for in the first place. i really dont know how to quite express how i feel to people. especially those i care about. im scared im forcing friendship on people, but thats really not my intention. i just want so much for things to be right, but im afraid that im going to end up pushing everyone away, like i always do. and its not even intentional. im sorry for things that happened in the past. im in a weird mood and cant finish my thoughts right now so im gunna go.
=/ |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 29th, 2006|09:59 pm] |
My sanity fades faster than the love that we shared
But perhaps we never loved at all
The memories change slowly with each starlit night
By morning I wont even know who you are
It's a disasterous cycle that I never asked for
& im sorry for dragging you into this game
)#@$(*@!)(#*WEQISDLKJ)@!(#*
there was no point to writing any of the above. end. |
|
|
| come out from the dark |
[Dec. 29th, 2006|09:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | NIN-the day the whole world went away | ] |
=/ |
|
|
| "the soul of juliet with the body of the nurse" |
[Dec. 28th, 2006|09:22 pm] |
whats that feeling when youre not mad at the world and at the same time youre not content with anything? you want to be upset, mad, or feel something, anything at all, but youre emotions arent in tune anymore. not that they ever were.
i feel like ive lost any sort of identity i managed to have - anything that kept me going and the people who kept me living. & now im just done. its not as if i feel im going to throw myself off of a building, but i almost wish i had the desire to do anything, even if it was that. i cant even say that im numb because with that there is still some sort of pain or discomfort.
im not making sense. i never make sense. |
|
|
| christmas cheer |
[Dec. 22nd, 2006|09:46 pm] |
im tired and blank, but i really dont have all that much to complain about.
to make this short, ive realized how many people i have in my life right now who care about me.
thanks to everyone who has dealt with me and been a friend to me through it all. i love you all so much. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 15th, 2006|12:19 am] |
List ten things you want to say to ten different people -- but know you never will. Don't say who they are.
1. When we weren't talking, I can honestly say it was one of the hardest things I had to go through recently. I would see you being happy and feel so horrible because I felt like if you were able to be happy with out me, it must have been me that was making you unhappy. I wanted to be the person you were laughing with, writing notes to, and spending your time with. It sounds stupid but I almost compared it to a break up. Like we broke up and you started seeing other people and I still wasnt over you. I cant say that I know what its like to have a sister, but i know that i shared a closeness with you that i never shared with anyone else. I trust you completely. When I got in trouble the other month with stuff, one of the first things i thought was that if i had to tell anyone about it, it would be you. Im glad things are better between us, and I hope they continue to get even better. Hopefully well make up for the lost time<3 i love you.
2. Im not too good at the whole liking people stuff. Ive only ever been in one relationship and he was the one who liked me first, so i never really fell for anyone really hard until there was you. I remember just getting lost in your eyes and there was a connection & id like to think you felt it too. i cant say im completely over you even though so much has left us further apart from where we started, but im greatful to have you as a friend. youve effected me in so many different ways and i think about you all the time. this is gunna sound psychotic and pathetic, but one night when i was feeling upset i started writing down everything i wish i could tell you but know that i couldnt. i wrote down little moments that you probably dont even remember, but they meant the world to me. i poured everything out onto 9 pages of paper. but in what ever fashion it may be, i love you.
3. you mean so much to me. i know that there is so much more to you than anyone knows about and i know that you hurt. i think thats how we first became friends. we had those things in common. i know i can be a handfull and i have probably given you more shit than you desirve. but i know tons of people would agree that you are one of the best friends a person can have. youve been there for me in some of the toughest times. i miss hanging out as often as we did. that night when we hung out at pnack at 2 in the morning really meant a lot to me. even though it wasnt a big deal or anthing, it did. i miss you, but im glad were friends again. i dont think this whole thing is making sense. gahhh. well, i love you =)
4. I think youre a cool girl and im kind of sorry that i didnt have a chance to get closer to you before complications occured. i know my two closest friends are now very close with you so you must be a good friend. im paranoid that you think that i hate you or something, but i dont. to be honest though, i think things are a bit awkward at times, i dont know why, not mostly, but just sometimes. but it probably is just me being weird and paranoid. i hope that we all can hang out together soon, but at the same time i dont want to be like intruding and forcing things.
5. its been so long since i last saw you. i was so young then. many people thought that i didnt understand or that i didnt care, but i did. i dont care what they think because you did mean something to me. i think about what things would have been like if you were here now, normal and healthy. how different things would have been. i miss you & i love you.
6. Youre cute. you have a childlike charm that just makes me smile. i think thats what i liked about you. im glad i told you that i like you sooner rather than later so that i wouldnt have gone completely nuts & im glad that things arent awkward between us. youre a good friend so im glad for that. honestly, i kinda wanted to ask you to formal but i figured theres probably someone else you wanted to ask and that you might think it was weird after me telling you that i liked you.
7. you drive me crazy. weve been through so much, a lot of which we probably shouldnt have had to go through. sometimes i think that i hate you, but i know that i will always care about you. i know i hold grudges and have been bitter about things that happened a long time ago, but in a way id like to thank you for them. they have made me the person i am today and have made me stronger. i dont know where youre going or where i am for that matter, but youll always hold a place in my heart, no matter how mad you make me. i love you.
8. when i needed you most, you werent there. i havent forgiven you. theres is so much that has happened that you probably dont even know that i know about and it has screwed me up more than you would think. sometimes i hate you, but mostly i dont even care. and sometimes i wish that i did.
9. you mean nothing to me. you arent even worth my energy of hating. getting into this was your own desicion, i had no choice. so fuck off.
10. its hard for me to say i love you. i do love you, but i never say it. we were never brought up that way. ive looked up to you so much. when ever things were bad i felt like you were the only one who would hear me out and be on my side. i know you try your best and you are a good person. i admire you and hope that i can somehow repay you for everything. |
|
|
| shhhh, the walls have ears. |
[Nov. 15th, 2006|09:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  insignificant | ] |
apparently people think that i cant hear things.
or that i dont have feelings or emotions.
just as an official form of notification, im letting everyone know that
i do (to both of the above).
i happen to have excelent hearing and often hears things that i wish i hadnt.
i just feel so stupid, because i honestly felt sorry for anything i had done wrong. for being selfish and being a bitch and not being more aware of my actions. and i was truly sorry. but i guess thats not enough for forgiveness. but i think that some of the things that i have unwillingly over heard, whether they were meant for me to hear, or just slip of the tongue, they are just uncalled for.
i guess no one really cared enough about how i felt. cuz im some sort of mutant who doesnt react to the fact that people are indirectly calling me ugly or that im too awful to be near. that i dont go home and cry about stupid shit people say about me. or that everyday for practice, when ever i need to cry, i mean yes i think about bigger things in my life that have effected me, but i didnt realize that what has happened in the past few months can make me feel just as shitty, if not worse that things like death, drugs, alcohol and abuse.
but you know what, its not that its just anyboday who is making me feel shitty. i mean im sure if some random kid came up in the hall and whispered to his friend, "that chick is ugly" or "you look better", id feel pretty bad. but what makes it hurt even more is that its from people i care about. and yes, i said people i care about. i feel like its a relationship gone bad, where you want so much to hate your partner because youve been so hurt, but deep done you know that you dont hate them. you still love them the way you always have. but you wish you didnt feel that way because you know that they hate you and are able to function and move on. i just want to fuction and move on.
but still...just because you hate me doesnt mean im not a normal human being.
it fucking hurts me more than you know.
unless you know and you just dont care.
but ill give you more credit than that, cuz thats just plain shitty. |
|
|
| i think youre dumb. maybe just happy. |
[Nov. 12th, 2006|01:51 pm] |
i just finished writing a complete shit entry full of wonderful whining and bitching.
i decided to spare anyone who might take the time to read this.
all i can say is, im melissa. id like you to like me, but if you dont, i understand.
the only thing i can say that im really good at is pissing people off.
ive completely lost any desire to write anything else. |
|
|
| TURN BACK, THE FOLLOWING ENTRY WILL BORED YOU TO NO END |
[Nov. 7th, 2006|09:44 pm] |
im sorry that everything i write on here is a complete utter piece of shit and waste of time. but i guess it has no other choice than to be that way since it is often just a reflection of my life.
i dont know why ive made some of the desicions i have and why i feel the way i do sometimes, but i always thought that no matter what, i would live without regret.
but nothing lasts forever i suppose, and that thought was completely shattered the other day when i realized that i had made one fuck up, that no matter what i do, there is something to regret.
it just made everything else that has been going on in my life seem so small and trivial in comparison and gave me the feeling of closure. i felt the ability to finally accept things as they are. not that it still wasnt hard, but now i am left without a single ounce of hope for any of my previous situations.
i feel as if this thing has hit me so deep that everything else has gone into shock. permanent damage has been done.
but above all, im scared. im more scared than ive ever been about anything i can remember in my life. & im scared to see how it will all come crashing down. |
|
|
| Walk for the Cure |
[Oct. 30th, 2006|09:05 pm] |
yesterday i went with my family for the walk for breast cancer in princeton.
i figured this was a nice happy story.
pictures.
=D |
|
|
| i hope reading this will bring a smile to your face<3 |
[Oct. 28th, 2006|12:46 am] |
im officially over the point of being confused and kind of upset and at the point of being completely pissed and bitter.
im a bitch.
im a bad friend.
i should know what i did that made everyone just shun me.
well then fucking tell me, you shitstained assholes.
yes i said shitstained assholes.
i cant even concentrate my anger enough to write anything else about the situation.
all i know is that i never would have done anything purposly or knowingly to hurt any of you.
but hey, what would i know? im the bitch and bad friend right? yea.
assholes...
another little side note. i hate people who do things just to be going against the grain.
example 1: person A used to like a band. lets call it band A. band A starts getting more popular. person A doesnt like the band anymore and goes on to mock people who do.
example 2: person B thinks that such devices as myspace are stupid and shallow because its only people representing themselves in a way they are not like in real life. they are just portaying who they would like themselves to be, or themselves in a better light. Person B either doesnt have a myspace for this reason (its just too trendy), or they do have a myspace and are just a total hypocrite =)
IM BEING A BITCH BECAUSE I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE. I DONT CARE ANYMORE BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE.
end.
oh yeah, did i mention im too clingy. forgot that one. and yet youre all over each other all the time. makes sense. you all think your good people, but you dont even have any idea how many people youve hurt and how bad you look from the outside. but no, i must be wrong, putting on your happy face and lying to the whole world makes you good. forgot that one too.
your just like everyone else, youre everything you hate. |
|
|
| insane in the membrane |
[Oct. 23rd, 2006|10:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ITunes shuffle currently playing: The Cure | ] |
im not sure what happened in the universe to make everything so out of wack, but things have been wayyyy too absurd lately.
& whats even weirder is that there are things going on right now that I probably would normally be freaking out about. but im not freaking out. which just makes me worry about when things will finally hit me which will lead to the inevitable freaking outage.
i dont even make sense.
oh and umm, why is it that the only people who are ever attracted to me are psycotic and freaky? im convinced that it has to be me. because no one normal can ever like me. i just wish i knew what im doing wrong.
gahhh @)($*)!!! |
|
|
| stars and fairies and lovely things |
[Oct. 22nd, 2006|03:27 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
hello livejournal.
im actually not doing too bad right now.
havent felt this content in a long time.
i thought that was enough to right an entry about.
today i went to the band competition and sat in the stands for a change.
yesterday i went to the football game & although i went by myself and ended up sitting with my father and a whole bunch of football dads, it wasnt bad. it almost feels good to be comfortable enough with myself to do some things alone.
thank you friends who have been here for me lately<3
you are whats keeping me going. |
|
|
| dreams |
[Oct. 19th, 2006|02:09 am] |
oh how i love the dream dictionary.
- If the dog is dead or dying, then it indicates a loss of a good friend.
how right you are, how right you are.
i know im being a bitch about the situation, but maybe if people actually took the time to talk to me about it, especially when i hear them talking to other people about me in the hallway before 1st period, maybe then id get over it with a little more grace. and im not sure which one i hate more, saying a hello here and there out of pity or bullshitted fakeness, or completely turning the opposite direction and avoiding everything. different people, different approaches i suppose.
all i can say is that i had enough respect and care towards these people that i dont think i would have put them in the situation theyve put me in. but i guess they didnt feel the same way so neither do i anymore.
DONE. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 17th, 2006|12:04 am] |
The past is stained so vividly in my mind
That it's hard to believe your scandalous claims
The leaves change & so did your heart
The passing of each day makes the picture fade
hmmm... well i was gunna add more to that but i guess im too distracted to continue.
suckage. |
|
|
| lalalalala |
[Oct. 12th, 2006|05:51 pm] |
dancing my way around life.
hoping saturday will come quicker than it has been because i need to relax, and go to new york, and see evil dead and see peter and celebrate his birthday!! & and of course see mary jo and minski too!
other than that, antigone practice hasnt been too bad. WE GOT THE SKRIM TODAY! such excitement. cant wait to sprinkle sand and be dead behind it.
alright. done here<3 hope everyone is just SWELL |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
denodilemma's journal